Am I Weird Enough Yet?

Note: I call this parody.  If you must, read the original here.)

By THOMAS D. BRANE-FRIEDMAN

Every time I listen to Gov. Rick Perry of Texas and Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota talk about manmade climate change as a fraud perpetrated by Al Gore and others in order to get money, I’m reminded of one of my favorite movie lines that Jack Nicholson offers to Louise Bryant regarding comrade-in-arms Jack Reed in the film Reds: “Jack dreams that he can hustle the American working man, who’s one dream is that he could be rich enough not to work, into a revolution led by ‘his’ party.” Wait, strike that whole thought and let me start over. Try this…

Thanks to Al Gore and his altruistic army of government scientists, we have a nearly comprehensive knowledge of the settled science of manmade global warming. So when Texas governor Rick Perry rejects global warming — while his own state is on fire — we know he must be wrong, because fires cannot happen when it’s cold outside. Not only that, there’s the statement by the Texas Forest Service from last week which said: “Recently discovered weather data from ancient papayas scrolls dating back to infinity shows that no one on the face of this earth has ever fought fires in these extreme conditions.”

If you doubt any of this, remember the first rule of global warming: we must defer to authority.  For you and me, that means the wise global warmunists set the rules. The way it unfolds is really “global weirding” and that means some “traditional” explanations have to be modified in order to demonstrate the truth of scientifically settled manmade global warming. Sometimes this is hot means cold, wet means dry, droughts mean floods, calm means wind, and snow means sun. Yes, it’s a bit confusing, but it’s still necessary. Here’s the explanation from Heidi Hough, a global warmunist in Texas: “As we poison the earth with carbon dioxide, our atmosphere seems to sometimes become warmer and sometimes colder, and things change. The sun has nothing to do with any of these changes; we know that from the data we’ve made up. And then a miracle occurs, only in this case it’s a bad miracle.”

On Sept. 9, CNN reported “Texas had the distinction of experiencing the warmest summer on record of any state in America, with an average of 86.8 degrees. Dallas residents sweltered for 40 consecutive days of grueling 100-plus degree temperatures. … Temperature-related energy demands soared more than 22 percent above the norm this summer, the largest increase since record-keeping of energy demands began more than a century ago.” Although high-quality, reasonably-priced, Chinese-manufactured air conditioning units were available, think how much more effective it would have been to instead have these toasty Texans just fan themselves.

There is still some we don’t know about how climate change except that it’s settled, it’s manmade, and that any cost I don’t have to pay is worth bearing. (Because I’ve invested huge amounts of intellectual and personal capital in this effort, I know it’s no hoax.) We need to start taking steps, as our government scientists urge, “to start seriously spending on managing the unmanageable.” If you want a quick primer on the latest global warming, surf over to Mr. Gore’s web page itswarmingbecauseisaidso.org. There, contributors will be making up data in real time and changing modeling algorithms as needed.

Not only has the settled science of manmade global warming come under attack lately, so has the economics of green jobs. Here the critics have a point that I’ll try and ignore: I wasn’t surprised to read that the solar panel company Solarboondoggle, which got $535 million in taxpayer loan guarantees to make solar panels in America, filed for bankruptcy protection two weeks ago and laid off 1,100 workers. Yes, this story is an embarrassment to the green jobs movement, but the death by bankruptcy was a collaboration of the worst Democratic and Republican impulses to manufacture things in America.

There is only one effective, sustainable way to produce “green jobs,” and that is with a Chinese-based manufacturing capability which reduces labor costs to those traditionally associated with re-education camps and therefore creates sustained consumer demand for green products. Of course, as an emerging nation, China should still call for a U.S. carbon tax or gasoline tax or cap-and-trade tax or exhalation tax or water vapor tax or other system that favors green jobs in order to revert the United States to an agrarian society, reduce consumption, depopulate the earth, reduce U.S. national power, and therefore, preserve my own personal peace and affluence.

President Obama has chosen not to push for these taxes based on political survival and has wisely opted to bypass legislation in lieu of regulations and crony capitalism, sometimes called “government funding.” In the area of regulation, he deserves great credit for just being alive and beyond that, all glory and power.

So what do we have? Science-settled manmade global warming; a need for revenue to balance the budget; much-needed Chinese clean-tech jobs. We need less dependence on oil, regardless of its source, which means we must increase the cost of finding, exploiting, refining, and using oil. With decreasing American incomes, unemployment, and the deficit, it amazes me that our current crop of politicians still won’t ask the public to sacrifice their futures for what America’s best thinkers know to be best for them.

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About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on September 14, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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