The Media Establishment’s Rick Perry Problem

I think this situation requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.  I’m just the guy to do it.

By E.D. Dijon (if you must, read the original here)

WASHINGTON — The Republican establishment is said to (“is said to” is what I use when I have absolutely no source other than my own opinions) have grave qualms about Gov. Rick Perry. But here’s a bigger problem: there is no Republican establishment. While there used to be a Republican establishment, it has squandered its own political capital and credibility.

There is a solution, in part, for this issue and it comes from those of us who are non-Republicans with our own grave Rick Perry qualms. Our fear is that he will be a more conservative, more formidable, more effective, small government version of George W. Bush. As such, we must work against Rick Perry feverishly and attempt to destroy him by any means possible. Exaggeration? Of course. Innuendo? Mandatory. Fabrication? Guys like me have been making up our own reality for years.

The biggest concern is the growing realization that President Obama will not be difficult to beat as long as Obama’s handlers let Obama be Obama. This feeling was bolstered by Tuesday’s special election that handily sent a Republican to Congress from New York’s 9th District for the first time since 1923 and a blistering 20-plus point Democrat loss in battleground state Nevada.

So if Perry is to be defeated, we non-Republicans in the media will have to do the job ourselves. And because we tend to be self-referential, the week’s most important political news is that we will try and do just that.

We worked overtime to put Perry’s vulnerabilities on display at this week’s CNN/tea party debate where he still hasn’t proven to our satisfaction that Social Security is little more than a government-endorsed Ponzi scheme. Plus, we will also try and hurt Perry for his position on immigration. If he were a blue-state man, we’d praise him for it, but as it is, we’ll have to subvert our personal feelings for the good of the team. So expect to hear lots of things like that sound like “Let’s talk about Rick Perry’s immigration problem with Republican voters.”

Perry’s biggest issue with primary voters may be his order requiring immunizations against a disease that causes cervical cancer. While we’re personally all for mandatory things of all sorts, we have to try and make the charge into a dangerous one, that of influence peddling. Because we’re already in the bag for President Obama, we’ll set aside any scrutiny regarding the Administration’s fraud, lies, crony capitalism, influence peddling, and criminality. Remember, we picked our team long ago and we’re nothing if not loyal.  Nothing here to see folks, move along. 

Any anti-Perry charges will help Mitt Romney, who we still loathe, but much less so than Perry. Also, any Romney gains will cheer those former “establishment Republicans,” the bright lights who steered Bob Dole and John McCain into national-level elections. Despicable business lobbies, who could be a moderating force for the tea party, are now largely out for themselves. “It’s only business,” they say, but think how sad and unpatriotic it is that any individual, partnership, or organization of any sort would choose to act in its own self interest instead of submitting, being assimilated, and working for the government’s benefit.

Another plan to weaken Perry is to try and somehow use the Republican triumph in New York as a tool to dissipate the Republican’s confidence and manufacture a showdown with the so-called tea party. We’re still working on the details, but your ideas are welcome.  Meanwhile, less-evil, moderate Republicans (like Arlen Specter…oh wait, he…never mind), the ones who have played ball with Obama’s team, now have a diminished voice as they fear for their political futures.

Yet if these stupid, dangerous, and likely wicked Republics see New York 9 as further evidence that Obama is a pushover, Rick Perry — if he doesn’t self-destruct — will be able to tell them he is the guy who can undo the self-evident benefits of the Obama Era with one decisive blow. And then, if the media has failed, only the courts will be able to stop his treacherous agenda of circumscribing America to the limits found in the Constitution.

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About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on September 15, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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