The Teeth Chronicles

Perhaps we should consult Freud, Jung, and the library of psychiatric drugs regarding our intrepid columnist, Flail Collins. If you must, read the original here.

By FLAIL COLLINS

Let’s talk about my teeth.

Look, I know they’re hideous but you could thank me for not bringing up unemployment, the national debt, regulatory strangulation, union thugs, nuclear weapons proliferation, or government cheese. Show some appreciation.

Yes, my teeth are a challenge for people with eyes, but so is my writing. Is it sexist to write about my teeth or my writing? Is it wrong for this newspaper to pay me to continually write trite, vindictive columns with my matronly photo, replete with bad teeth? Is it mean spirited to say “Want a better picture, bring a better face”? Shouldn’t we instead applaud my newspaper when they put not one, but two women near the top of their op-ed list, even if the women in question only offer gutter-trash which furthers the newspaper’s demise?

(Wow, it seems like we hear these same questions from our shareholders every quarter.)

Here’s the scoop: despite my teeth, people like me have done well here, because there’s little intellectual diversity. So, no, it shouldn’t be surprising my columns (like my newspaper) are stale, dated, and predictable. But isn’t it sort of strange that given my unoriginal and tepid thoughts the paper goes out of its way to run a picture of my face (which includes my teeth), when they don’t need to? And even if they do, can’t we get an intern or undocumented worker with reasonable photoshop skills or something?

If you’ve read my columns, you’ve learned my strong points is my speling and pruf-reading, while my weak ones are my logic, my conclusions, my tenuous relationship with reality, and my desire to be physically attractive. This week, emphasizing my weak points, I’m going to bash Michelle Bachmann. Michelle Bachmann is not like me: she’s attractive, sincere, and isn’t cynical. She has good teeth: no, she can’t eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.

My sincere wish regarding Bachmann’s campaign is that it would stick around so Mr. Sharp-creased pants could whip her soundly in 2012. Barring that, maybe the administration could make her negotiate in North Korea or something? Except I don’t think Michele Bachmann even has any special sympathies for the North Koreans, so forget it.

Not that I’m hung up on Bachmann or anything, but let’s say, just hypothetically, that Bachmann was born with good teeth and that I was negligent in my hygienic duties during my formative years (and, well, until now). Such a hypothesis leads me to think any associated outcomes are hardly fair in any way. Why should I be the one with bad teeth and a cynical and deadly-dumb column? If I’d only had better (government-provided) parents, maybe I would have been forced to brush my teeth or to accept a teeth vaccination that could have saved (well, helped) my appearance.  (Now if they only had a vaccination for bad writing…)

The Bachmann campaign did not respond to my thoughts about either her teeth or my teeth. Although I didn’t actually ask the campaign to respond (they were only thoughts, after all), it makes me wonder what’s going on here.

And as we bid adieu to Michele Bachmann and her brilliant teeth, let’s look at Rick Perry and his hair. Where did that man get that hair? And Romney has a large head of hair as well. Coincidence?

Rick Perry supports instruction on dental hygiene in all Texas public schools but I’m willing to bet he doesn’t think kids should be taught about bad teeth per se. How many of you really think he would leap to the cutting-edge front of a war against bad teeth simply, as he put it, “I am always going to err on the side of dental wellness”?

If you agree with me, here’s the link to Attack Watch.

And because I can never figure out how to end my columns, goodbye.

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About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on September 16, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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