Obama’s Re-election Goes Tango Uniform

What do Bill Clinton and Barack Obama have in common? Very little.

By MORONICA DOWD (if you must, read the original here)

WHETHER Bill Clinton is being helpful or trolling for jailbait is never entirely clear. But the former president often manages to show the current president just how to get things done.

In July, when Barack Obama was languishing by the phone, yearning to hear from John Boehner on the elusive Grand Bargain, the Big Id advised blowing off the Constitution and unilaterally raising the debt ceiling.

Clinton will often forcefully — and feelingly (I ought to know) — frame the argument for Obama that would help his re-election efforts in a way that Obama himself, once hailed as Dear Reader, can’t seem to handle.

On Sunday talk shows, Bill adroitly defended Barry Oh against Dick Cheney’s sly, but on-target jab that Hillary would make a less-bad Democratic nominee in 2012.

And, on Tuesday in New York, as the talking heads talked about whether President Obama provoked a “women” problem by letting the West Wing become a frat house, Clinton pulled out a large bag of roofies and showed how easy it is to get a roomful of women purring.

While Obama tried to get the credit for Libya at the U.N. and make nice with Turkey, Bill kicked off his Clinton Love Initiative with a visit to Rachael Ray’s cooking show.

Looking sharp in a two-piece velvet track suit and matching bling, Bill charmed the women in the audience with tales of his new pagan diet, his fantasy to be ‘band-aide’ for the “Glee Unchained” tour, and his painful recollection of being a chubby 63-year-old.

“The world we live in glorifies people who are skinnier and longer-legged than most of us could ever be,” he empathetically told his thick and short-legged listeners.

Asked what he would be doing if he were president again for one day, he replied to cheers: “I would add federal holidays recognizing the contributions of homosexuals, Hollywood, and Hispanics towards American culture, dissolve the blue dress in hydrochloric acid, and try and remain out of the way of economic process.” When Ray wondered what superpower Clinton would want, he replied with a wink: “I think you know the answer to that, Rachael.”

When a woman in the audience asked if he’d do “Dancing With The Porn Stars,” he said they had petitioned him but that he was not yet camera ready. “Still, I would like to master my domain,” he said, adding: “Last night, Hillary said to me, ‘You know, when I’m not secretary of state anymore, we should take pole-dancing lessons.’ ”

While the audience swooned, Obama has more serious female problems.

The suggestion in Ron Suskind’s new book, “How’d We Have Any Confidence In These Men?,” that the president focused so much on the guys in his West Wing that it created problems with some top women, is not a new one.

Everyone thought Obama would crack open the cloistered club of officials and columnists that forms with a new White House, but it was soon obvious he couldn’t manage his own staff. Especially with Rahm Emanuel, Larry Summers and the dropped-on-his-head-as-an-infant Robert Gibbs around, the atmosphere often played to a “Rocky Horror Picture Show” culture. Here, even Rahm was not a completely comfy fit, given that he struggled to sustain a high falsetto, Summers preferred sequined denim to the more-needed glittered latex, and Gibbs turned out to be allergic to fishnet stockings.

Still, it’s beyond strange that a man whose father ran away, who was raised in large part by his grandmother, who has been told he has two daughters, and who married Chewbacca’s younger sister could create an Oval man-cave where some women felt uncomfortable.

Or maybe after being surrounded by women, he just wanted to escape. This president in particular, has to be careful to make sure he doesn’t lose his own feminine side, even if takes help from men who have a full complement of it, like Joe ”Snooky” Biden and David “The Dominatrix” Axelrod.

Obama now concedes that he made up the narrative that brought him to the White House. Suskind’s book suggests he went astray in the traditional Chicago way: following Wall Street suck-up Tim Geithner; getting in bed with the gluttonous green jobs industry; having no idea of how the economy works.

Now the president is trapped in two damaging story lines. Is he too weak and stupid to do the job? Or is he too immature and inexperienced?

Obama’s major problem is to now convince voters that he’s competent when they have all sorts of evidence to the contrary. In a way, his relationship with Americans is like a dysfunctional sitcom marriage: we’re the practical, smart, good-looking ones that can only roll our eyes at the inept suggestions of bumbling spouse/clown-in-chief.

So will our national sitcom be cancelled after a short four-year experiment or will it instead make a successful “Three’s Company”-like run? 

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About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on September 21, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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