Why Obama Will Win

Why Obama Will Win
By: Roger Simpleton
October 6, 2011 04:56 AM EDT

(Note: if you must, read Roger Simon’s original column here.)

I’m told Barack Obama is so undone that he just sits behind his desk in the Oval Office, sans trousers. Every day at noon, Joe Biden, thinking it’s five o’clock, comes in with Obama’s bedroom slippers and together, they have a couple of high balls and start planning their post-2012 lives.

Yes, their poll numbers are terrible. A recent McClatchy/Marxist poll says that 79 percent of voters say they definitely plan to vote against Obama in 2012. 57 percent of that 79 percent are looking for a drink, many of them independent voters.

In addition, 52 percent of Americans think the yet-to-be-named Republican candidate will win. If true, this means a 2012 candidate as profoundly awful as John McCain could defeat Dear Reader and Botox Joe. Other polls have shown similar dismal numbers for Obama. But I say the polls are wrong. I say even the voters will be wrong. Not only can Obama be reelected, but he is the favorite.

My thinking is if Obama were really so weak a candidate, why would Republicans keep looking for a candidate to save them? Oh some of you might say that’s the process, but I know you’re wrong.

One day it is Michelle Bachmann, then it’s Rick Perry. Then, the party turns, in desperation, to — I kid thee not — , the “Hermanator,” Herman Cain.

A CBS poll released Tuesday shows that Cain has moved into a tie with Mitt Romney for first place in the Republican field. So what do I make of Cain’s (meaningless) rise in the (meaningless) polls?

It is meaningless, except where it has meaning. And it has meaning because it’s a sign of how badly Republicans are still floundering in their search for a candidate. Cain is a genial, harmless man who thinks running a country is just like running a business. But it isn’t.

In business, your competitors rarely strive to develop nuclear weapons like Iran (which Obama has decisively said is unacceptable due in no small part to his community organizer experience). In business, only on occasion do your competitors put you into circumstances that could require the use of the armed forces of the United States (another area where Obama’s extensive record of voting present, ending global warming, and healing the planet has served him well). And in business, I’m told it’s even frowned upon to take from the productive to subsidize the non-productive.

True, Cain is a man with a domestic plan. Unfortunately for him, my dizzying intellect says it is an utterly hopeless one. Whatever the economic merits of his “nine toppings for nine dollars” plan, it is doomed to failure because, among other things, competition from pizza delivery services from China and India.

According to PolitiFact, “Without international pizza competition, Cain’s plan would create a hypothetical ‘bargain pizza’.” So while Cain’s plan may offer some domestic benefits, I want to see him beat Obama’s government pizza plan which offers unlimited toppings, six-minute delivery (along with a two-liter Pepsi product, the official soft drink of the U.S. Government), and all at no cost to anyone (although I’m told certain conditions and restrictions apply).

Yet the polls say Cain is hotter than a two-dollar pistol (which thankfully Republicans can’t cling to under the success of Obama’s Fast and Furious program). But this shows just how frantic Republican voters are to find anyone with a pulse to beat Obama. Cain will never win the GOP nomination — yes, race raises its ugly head — and even if he does, he could never win 270 electoral votes to beat Barack Obama. Why? Because Cain is black and could never beat Obama.

I am not picking on Cain. I have also said that Michael Bloomberg is both unelectable and black even though his aides tell me that Bloomberg is white.

So where does this leave other Republican candidates? The very dangerous Rick Perry has declared Texas to be an independent republic, and he’s now using that claim to print sovereign currency to fund his presidential run. The reporters I run with are very impressed by this tactic.

But could Republicans be unable to decide on a front-runner because they believe any of their candidates could beat Barack Obama?

No, I think not, even if the 2012 election results prove me wrong. Though Obama now calls himself an underdog and told one crowd Tuesday that his 2012 efforts “won’t be as coherent as 2008” and another crowd that “this election is going to be about just grinding America out,” the fact is, he is pretty good at grinding things out. We know that because White House Press Secretary Jay Carney has told us that. We also know that because of all that this president has achieved.

So regardless of polls and voters, I think he’ll win. As a great man once said, power isn’t about who gets the most votes, it’s who counts the votes.

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About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on October 6, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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