The Secret Agreement That Saved The NBA Season

(Fake NBA Insider, New York) The real reason the NBA’s players and owners were able to create the agreement to allow this season to proceed had little to do with the owners or with the players and a lot to do with the government.

The government, through the efforts of Tyrone Shoelaces, President Obama’s secret envoy to the NBA, was able to get the two warring parties to agree through a process that has become second nature to many Americans: a bailout. It has now been revealed the President’s NBA envoy was able to promise ensured operations for the owners, no matter how bad their market or team, and the uninterrupted flow of paychecks to the players, no matter how poorly they perform on the court. In return, fans would benefit by having ticket prices subsidized by the taxpayers. Important fans, corporate sponsors, and party donors would receive guaranteed NBA courtside seating at no cost to them.

The seeming win-win-win-win of the bailout has been questioned by some taxpayer groups, notably the anti-tax lobby Taxpayers Against An NBA Bailout (TAN-B). TAN-B spokesman Grover Johnson offered “Not only is this another under the table intervention that the government isn’t even chartered to do, but it’s also an example of the long arm of the administration being used to rig the game so that there aren’t winners and losers. Instead, the winnings are privatized by owners and players and losses are socialized by the taxpayers.”

The President, who has used both his affirmative action-driven Harvard credentials and his ability to drop “g’s” to connect with the many of the league’s owners and players, offered his own assessment of the end of the lockout: “Ever since I was a little baby, I always be dribblin’. In fact, I was the baddest dribbler in the whole 57 states. Despite this success, what I need now is for someone to set a pick for me at America’s free-throw line; someone to rebound my air balls; someone to salvage my turnovers; someone to hit the open man, woman, or person of color, on the give-and-go.” White House spokesman Jay Carney later added “The home town Chicago Cubs remain the President’s favorite NBA team and it’s evident the President is passionate about basketball and governmental interference in the marketplace.”

Mr. Shoelaces, a long-time basketball aficionado, offered this after the league announced their agreement for the 2011-2012 season: “The NBA, its fans, owners, and players, can thank the administration for snatching success from the jaws of failure. We also look forward to intervening in the upcoming minority-only lacrosse, WNBA, and dodge ball lockouts as well.”



About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on November 28, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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