Bad Climate News: Global Winding

(Fake AP) The bad climate news continues with an emerging weather phenomenon called global winding.

Global winding in California caused power outages, school closings, and property damage. In Utah, global winding was responsible for overturning semi-rigs and toppling backyard swing sets. Global winding is said to affect children, women, and minorities most.

The need to address global winding is urgent. If action is not taken in the next two years, the earth is likely to become permanently windy, and at dangerous levels. One way to address the issue, according to the IPCC, a highly-disreputable arm of the United Nations, is to control the wind by controlling greenhouse gasses and carbon dioxide with sequestration programs, cap-and-trade efforts, higher energy costs, and offering incentives for people to die at an early age.

Former IPCC Chair (now incarcerated in Bogota, Columbia on drug and gun-running charges), and railroad engineer Franz Gupta had this to say: “Global winding is as big a risk to humanity as crystal meth, human trafficking, and Bruce Willis movies. It’s impossible for me to overstate how urgent it is that we take action immediately, before polar bears are blown into the Arctic Sea, or even worse.”

Respected entrepreneur Donald Trump is said to already be pursuing solutions to global winding, just as committed environmentalist Al Gore once did for global warming.

Global winding was first suggested in the 2006 documentary Happy Feet, with more settled scientific evidence presented in the just-released Happy Feet Two.


About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on December 3, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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