You Thought Lurch Was Ugly Then?

ugly mugLurch(also known as John Kerry, largely ignored but best known for his 2004 comedy reprise as the former running mate of John Edwards) has been ugly a long time.

Who’da thought it possible, but Lurch is even uglier now! In fact, Kerry has actually taken a small lead over Henry Waxman as the ugliest man in the United States Congress.

Who (or what) is to blame? It’s been described as a hockey accident, but that could be an errant puck (and you outta see the puck; oy vey!); a self-induced Kerry face plant into the boards, the ice, a guy’s elbow, or his own stick; a humble skate-lacing mishap (strangulation was narrowly avoided?); or even being run over by an illegal unlicensed undocumented Zamboni driver. Or did he really just come up short in a battle royale with Theresa in their own private octagon?

Next, we’ll wait for the Kerry wig to blow off on a jaunty Segway ride and then for the made-in-Cambodia choppers (and don’t do anything without a mouth guard, Johnny) to get knocked out in a rousing, yet regrettable, putt-putt golf mishap.

Finally, how to best describe Kerry? Are we’re talking Franken-weenie, Lurchenstein, or the lead in the second most famous zombie movie of all time, The Night of the Walking Brain Dead?

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About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on January 24, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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