2012’s Beyond Thunderdome Election Driven by Ideology Not Rhetoric: Ezra Klown

Ezra Klown, Doomberg. Posted at the current clock time minus one minute.

Ezra KlownTo listen to the President’s soaring State of the Union address and his earlier speech in Osawatomie, Kansas, the 2012 election is a no-tapout clash featuring the Republicans (as the iceberg) versus the people of the United States (as the Titanic). Icebergs are slow, white, and dangerous. On the other hand, the RMS Titanic was made in Ireland, served as a significant moneymaker for Hollywood, and lacked adequate lifeboats. The lifeboats themselves serve as a metaphor (I think; it could be an analogy) for Social Security and Medicare funding and the taxes needed to support these essential transfer programs.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the election. So the election is the Red Sox playing the Packers in the World Cup, the elves versus the management of the Keebler factory, and the Germans against Pearl Harbor, all rolled into one. What do all these things mean? Simple: they’re a reflection of the President’s sometimes painful but certainly necessary class-warfare-with-a-smile plan.

So regardless of what anyone like me says, the 2012 election matters. A lot. A whole lot. A whole, whole lot. That’s because the winning party will reap political benefits from holding office. As for the ideological showdown of the century? Nah. That’s because even though the Republican candidate is certain to be a dangerous, hateful, racist, kook, President Obama, when re-elected, will continue to govern as a true centrist.

“President Obama wants to put free enterprise on trial,” Mitt Romney says, sounding much like a dangerous, hateful, racist, cult member. But fear not, because the former governor of Massachusetts “will offer the American ideals of economic freedom a clear and unapologetic defense.” Well!

Romney’s comments suggest he’s running against Vladimir Lenin, who Wikipedia tells us was a communist, and if alive, would be very, very old. Over a hundred years old. But what has Barack Obama actually done or proposed to do?

Well, there was the nearly $800 billion “stimulus” that kept unemployment below 8 percent. Then there was the much needed $500 billion per year health-care law, pejoratively called “Obamacare” that will actually save money and provide free health care to all. There was the important financial-regulation bill that erected a protective judicial and monetary safety net for important insiders associated with the U.S. financial systems and assured us we’ll never again have to deal with “too big to fail” banks, or for that matter, the Euro.

The President also extended the Bush tax credits to those who pay no tax and has insisted on deficit reduction, to include tax increases, even as he calls for much-needed investment in infrastructure (which Republicans cynically say is another way of saying ‘spending for investment,’ or which even more cynical Republicans say is really ‘borrowing for investment’). Finally, he wants to increase the taxes, but wisely, just up to what’s fair, for those fat-cats who hope to earn more than a million dollars in their lifetimes. Oh, and don’t forget the President killed Bin Laden from the White House video-teleconference center, the most important foreign policy accomplishment since the 1928 Kellogg–Briand Pact.

So to call these accomplishments “radical” really depends on how you define radical. You can look at these vital achievements with high confidence that they are neither radical nor inimical to free enterprise, the rule of law, or democracy. Yes, Obama has pursued an ambitious, yet totally centrist, agenda and capitalism will perhaps survive his use of the leviathan of government to achieve desirable, necessary, and traditional liberal ends. Yes, Obama’s rhetoric toward the Republicans is overheated, but deservedly so: if they can’t understand his agenda, they should accept they are simply unable to appreciate his truly dizzying intellect.

If anything is on trial in the 2012 elections, it is not Obama, who is firmly supported by every single person I know. His re-election in November is certain to serve as a reminder of the vast and far reaching greatness of the American welfare-state and the people’s willingness to be ruled by brilliant (if sometimes poorly understood) elites.


About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on January 26, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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