Breaking: White House Press Release

White House Press Release

For Immediate Release

As a part of his Peace Through Weakness (PTW) initiative, the President has moved to strengthen national security by reducing the U.S. nuclear weapons count from the treaty-limited “new START” ceiling of 1550. Under PTW, the number of U.S. nuclear weapons will be 300. Consistent with PTW, this move will enhance the United States’ moral standing with non-declared nuclear nations like North Korea, Pakistan, and soon, Iran, as well as with other states pondering nuclear weapons to include Myanmar, Egypt, Syria, and Saudi Arabia.

The PTW reductions will move the world towards the President’s goal of global zero, reduce our nuclear infrastructure costs, and increase the confidence of those nations who are protected by the U.S. nuclear “umbrella.” Additionally, China has promised to purchase $6.4 trillion of U.S Treasury Notes should the PTW reductions be achieved, a benefit of significant economic entanglement for all Americans.

Although the full national security enhancements resulting from such a move may not be known for some time, the President, by himself, has decided in a true multilateral fashion that America and its allies will be best served by this peaceful move. Hyperpartisan critics of the President who describe PTW as a counterintuitive gamble that isn’t required are ignoring the President’s myriad foreign policy accomplishments including (but not limited to) winning the Nobel Peace Prize, killing bin Laden from the White House video-teleconference center, and correctly identifying Canada as being in the Northern Hemisphere.

Press Contact: Ben Dover, PTW Research Director, 201-613-3440

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About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on February 15, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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