Worshipping at the Altar of Obama

When is Washington Monthly funnier than The Onion? Today, at minimum.

There, in a laugh-your-guts-out special, Paul Glastris writes of The Incomplete Greatness of Barack Obama. Seriously, that’s the article title. It starts out with this:

In mid-January, pollsters for the Washington Post and ABC News asked a representative sampling of Americans the following question: “Obama has been president for about three years. Would you say he has accomplished a great deal during that time, a good amount, not very much, or little or nothing?

When the poll’s results were released on January 18, even the most seasoned White House staffers, who know the president faces a tough battle for reelection, must have spit up their coffee: more than half the respondents—52 percent—said the president has accomplished “not very much” or “little or nothing.”

What Glastris immediately fails to comprehend is there is an implied value statement many respondents may have considered in assessing the President’s accomplishments: an accomplishment is supposed to be something beneficial. Step one is to define one’s terms, that is, just what constitutes an accomplishment?

Then there’s this:

Speaking again in terms of sheer tonnage, Obama has gotten more done than any president since LBJ.

Again, tonnage is meant to be… what? The debt and regulatory burdens the American people will be forced to drag along until collapse? A food stamp recovery? The weakest economic bounce back since the Byzantine Empire?

More hilarity ensues:

When FDR created Social Security in 1935, the program offered meager benefits that were delayed for years, excluded domestic workers and other heavily black professions (a necessary compromise to win southern votes), and was widely panned by liberals as a watered-down sellout. Only in subsequent decades, as benefits were raised and expanded, did Social Security become the country’s most beloved government program.

Most beloved government program? Biggest and longest running Ponzi scheme ever would be a better description. And most beloved as opposed to less beloved programs like… what? The Gulag? Eugenics? Gas chambers? Internment camps? The IRS?

He goes on to draw on reputable economists (an oxymoron), the stimulus (which he brags, no joke, was accomplished with minimal fraud), and the Race to the Top (a multi-billion dollar Education Department initiative, to which he says Whether these changes eventually improve student outcomes remains to be seen). Like an endless tank of nitrous oxide, the Glastris-delivered laughs just don’t stop.

The article is too long to address line by line, but there is one main lesson to be learned (possibly, relearned): man is the only creature who can lie to himself.

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About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on March 9, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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