Help the poor with more government

By Dana Milkbag, Published: March 20

Look, you know, I know, we all know: I’m a liberal Democrat. I write from a liberal Democrat’s point of view, I see the world through unflinchingly liberal (in the current sense of the word and not the traditional use) mindset, and yes, all writing is autobiographical.

As such, I’m compelled to attack Paul Ryan for performing his “Congressional duty” in providing a budget plan. Ryan said the Republican presidential nominees “are cool” with any reasonable plan that moves the nation away from so-called “financial suicide.” (I just wish you could see the sneer I’m typing with. It’s an awesome sneer; bold yet righteous, much like George Clooney would do if he were to play me in a movie about my life.)

“Do you wholeheartedly believe they will accept your budget?” NPR’s Duke Nooghat tweeted from the audience.

“Of course,” the House Budget Committee chairman tweeted back, in three parts, and without hesitation. “We’ve offered something. The President’s plan is nonsensical and delusionary; the Senate hasn’t had a budget in a thousand days, and in the real world, something beats nothing. So yes, I’m confident.”

Because I’m viscerally opposed to Mitt Romney, the likely Republican nominee, I have no problem in using one sentence of his, taken totally out of context, when he said “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” As it turns out, Ryan has provided the very plan that supports Romney’s disgraceful and dirty position.

Ryan’s plan would—according to him—cut the deficit. A world-class scaremonger, Ryan says the government’s financial situation threatens to enslave future generations, will destroy trust in government promises, and when America is bankrupt, will completely cease to provide any safety net function for our truly needy citizens. Whatever.

How does a man like Ryan even become a Congressman? He appears to have not learned the first rule of government spending. Doesn’t he know We can’t be out of money because there are still checks in the checkbook?

On top of all this, Ryan would then give most of the savings to America’s haves: some $4.3 trillion in tax cuts, compared with current policies, according to the non-partisan National Socialist Citizens for Tax Justice.

Incredibly and further offending all progressive sensibility, Ryan chose to use the Bible as a source of moral justification, dropping the line “If a man does not choose to work, neither shall he eat.” There is, he said at the reactionary American Enterprise Institute later Tuesday, an “insidious moral tipping point, and I think the president is accelerating this.” Too many Americans, he (Ryan, certainly not the President) said, are receiving more from the government than they pay in taxes.

Again, Ryan’s position is not only absurd, it’s cruel: all Americans have the right to receive more from the government than they pay in taxes. Except Republicans.

Ryan’s plan also forgets the fact the entire market-based system as we now know it is severely broken. As proof, I offer the fact our internal analysis shows no one, not one at all, not one person in America, will read my column if it’s put behind the proposed Washington Post-It paywall.

Ryan’s family, who immigrated from Ireland generations ago, apparently instilled in him a belief in the false-virtue of people who “pull themselves up by the bootstraps.” Certainly these simple people–of which Ryan appears to be one still–could not possibly understand the living-breathing form of democracy we’re evolving to where the government is the grantor of rights and the determinant of all. Instead, Ryan (who should be played by Javier Bardem in that movie about me) said a too-generous safety net “lulls able-bodied people into lives of complacency and dependency, which drains them of their very will and incentive to make the most of their lives. It’s demeaning.”

How very kind: to protect poor Americans—that’s practically all of us anymore, except the Koch brothers, all thanks to George W. Bush—from being demeaned, Ryan is cutting their anti-poverty programs and using the proceeds to give the wealthiest Americans a six-figure tax cut. The idea that it might be their money to begin with is antithetical to all that I am.

I’ve already worked up a headline for Ryan’s plan, should it come to pass. It goes like this, and I think you’ll agree, is stunning in both its originality and its simplicity: Republican spending plan put in place; poor, women, and minorities hardest hit.

And Ryan thinks the eventual Republican presidential nominee will campaign on his plan? Apparently. “I’ve spoken to all these guys,” Ryan assured reporters, “and they believe that we are heading in the right direction.”

This, and strident partisanship (not Democrats, thankfully), explains a lot about the Republicans’ difficulty. It also explains why our nation’s most important writers and thinkers, men and women of noble character to include your humble scribe, remain firmly opposed to anything Republicans offer.

Copyright 2012, Washington Post-It Corporation

(If you must, read the original here.)

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About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on March 21, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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