The essential function of government

Hypothesis: idiots with initiative are among the most destructive things known to man.

Background: I’d like to say I’m pro-choice. On Big Gulps.

That is, keep your hands off my Big Gulps, my Slurpees, and my Starbucks Trentas.

Story: Michael Bloomberg is pro-choice on killing the unborn; he’s anti-choice on Big Gulps. And he has initiative.

“I look across this country, and people are obese, and everybody wrings their hands, and nobody’s willing to do something about it,” Bloomberg said on his weekly radio show.

“I would criticize the federal government for not doing anything,” the health-conscious Bloomberg added on WOR radio’s John Gambling show. “I would criticize the state governments for not doing anything, but in the end, it’s the cities that do things.”

Even if Bloomberg has a point—which he doesn’t—does he have the right?

And then there’s the issue of discretion. Maybe the Big Gulp ban should only be applied to people of size. After all, why should we all be denied the pleasures of a Big Gulp?

Finally, there’s also the issue of alternative foods. Maybe Bloomberg’s nanny state can limit fat people to one four ounce serving of high-fiber sauerkraut daily until they meet his honor’s body-fat standards. Then those formerly fat will be allowed to live responsibly—defined as however Bloomberg sees fit—in New York City.

First, where are the lawsuits to make Bloomberg pay for this insanity? Next, with friends like Bloomberg’s government, who needs enemies? Finally, is this the government the people of New York want?


About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on June 2, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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