Around the internet: world news today

From Washington DC, Hillary Clinton prepares to brief Congress on the issue of the security of the U.S. embassies overseas. A preview of the testimony centers on George W. Bush’s failure to fund embassy security upgrades, his failure to use contracted security forces, his failure to improve relations with Islamists everywhere, his failure to censor American citizens as required, and his failure to provide President Obama with a satisfactory change-of-command briefing on the subject. Unnamed Administration sources add that all is well in the Middle East and that this is all a part of the President’s “lead from behind” effort, which is said to require another four years to complete.

On a related subject, the media is prepared to support the Secretary’s positions.

In Arizona and regarding the Justice Department’s Fast and Furious conspiracy which resulted in the death of one Border Patrol agent and innumerable Mexican citizens, the Administration “did its best to deflect criticism downward for decisions that should have been made and monitored at much higher levels.” The Administration, the highest level of government, had no further comment.

On the business front, GM wants out of the Administration’s $82 billion taxpayer-funded bailout of the automotive industry. The bailout, generously estimated to have saved one million jobs, many of them in China, also killed 200,000 American jobs. The overall effort is a part of the Administration’s commitment to win re-election and to additionally bring the United States in line with its global partners. If true, each “job saved” cost the taxpayers over $100,000. Finally, the Administration hopes to make up on the $50,000 lost on each Chevy Volt sold with higher sales volume.

With gas prices at historical highs, the Administration is asking drivers everywhere to check their tire pressures and consider investing in a Chevy Volt. Administration advisor and former President Jimmy Carter suggest setting the thermostat to 68 (not the air conditioning, the heat), putting solar water heaters on the roof, and should conditions permit, wearing a cardigan sweater.

In the nuclear arena, the Administration is said to be pleased with “useful and constructive” negotiations with Iran regarding their renegade nuclear weapons programs. The U.S. is now said to be considering supplying Iran with a small number of nuclear weapons and delivery vehicles if Tehran agrees to end their illegal pursuit of such weapons.

inverted obama flagFinally, the Administration has released their new “American Obama” flag. An Administration spokesman descried the flag as “… one for all Americans. The President isn’t any different than anyone else, except being smarter; he just wants to stay stoned out of his skull, ensure government-provided bread and circuses, and let his freak flag fly.” A Romney campaign spokesman said the symbol is disrespectful and should be retired immediately. The media universally condemned the Romney campaign for its insensitivity and referred the issue to the Justice Department as a thought crime before announcing Mr. Romney’s candidacy to be “dead on arrival.”

Stay tuned for updates which will occur as time and conditions permit.


About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on September 20, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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