How the upcoming VP debates will benefit President Obama

(Washington, PMNS) Several Democrat strategists are looking forward to the upcoming vice-presidential debates, despite the long history of rhetorical face-plants and inarticulate buffoonery provided by sitting VP Joe Biden.

(At right, Mr. Biden explains the the federal debt to a closed-session audience at Davos 2012.)

Speaking off the record, one well-known strategist offered, “Mainly, it’ll allow us to put Obama’s debate debacle and the discussions about his record behind us and to get more Romney attack ads in heavy TV, radio, and social media rotation. And of course, our friends who are journalists,” he said, adding air quotes, “will be doing their part as well.”

Democrat strategist LeRoy Fonduemerville, a veteran of eight presidential races, said, “Although Joe’s a clown, he’s our clown, and a loyal one at that. He’ll do and say anything he’s told, unless he forgets or mangles his script… which he’s capable of, of course.”

A third strategist who refused to be identified said he thought it would be “helpful to the President’s campaign in diverting attention from the just-cooked unemployment rate and that whole Benghazi thing.”

A final anonymous strategist said, “It gives us a bit of a breather to schedule more Bill Clinton appearances on the President’s behalf. We’re desperate for a Clinton-driven boost, so hopefully we can raise the appearance money he requires. And if all else fails, there’s still a few more race cards to be played as well as Hillary 2016.”

More recently, several of the more severe “Joe being Joe” moments are thought to be the result of a severe fungal infection associated with the Vice President’s hair-plugs. Medical officials at Bethesda Naval Hospital say there is new hope an experimental anti-fungal treatment will slow the rate of Biden’s decline. Similarly, the use of a teleprompter is thought to mitigate the magnitude and severity of the VP’s “Bidenisms” and one staffer now has the full-time task of personally monitoring Mr. Biden’s public speaking and simply powering off his microphone should the VP trend towards the serious gaffes he’s well know for.

Regardless, most political analysts are already predicting a clear Biden win despite the fact Las Vegas odds makers have installed Republican VP candidate Paul Ryan as the prohibitive debate favorite. As one odds maker put it, “Even if Ryan doesn’t show up, I say he’s a lock to clean Joe’s clock. The longer Joe talks, the worse things seem to get for him.”

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Mumbai Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)


About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on October 5, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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