Nike Announces Their Post-USADA Armstrong Changes

(Beaverton, Oregon, PMNS)

live wrongFollowing the United States Anti-Doping Association’s devastating proof of Lance Armstrong’s performance enhancing drug use across his cycling career, Nike, a firm notoriously loyal to their herds of hired athletes, has announced it will stand-down its support for Mr. Armstrong’s Live Strong foundation.

However, Nike founder Phil Knight has said the shoe giant will instead front a new Armstrong foundation tentatively called Live Wrong. “The days of Live Strong have come and gone. It’s time for a more realistic and traditional approach, something we feel there’s there’s already a market for and a built in audience.” Live Wrong will be incorporated in the Grand Cayman Islands which has less restrictive medical and banking laws than the United States, but Knight said the foundation would still “be global in nature.”

Live Wrong will advocate a non-traditional and somewhat controversial view of winning at all costs. The foundation will provide medical referrals, match drug using athletes to drug endorsing coaches, sell performance enhancing drugs, experiment with gene therapy, help launder money, and provide lawyers. The Live Wrong slogan is said to be “If you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’ hard enough.” Two other slogans, “Dope or go home,” and “Get rich or die tryin’,” were rejected due to copyright concerns.

Live Wrong’s announced board of directors will include Victor Conte, Mark McGwire, Tiger Woods, Barry Bonds, Ben Johnson, Mr. Armstrong himself, and the late Florence Griffith-Joyner. Several honorary board positions will be manned by the East German women’s track team.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Mumbai Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)


About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on October 14, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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