Justice Department Files Discrimination Suit Against NBA’s Minnesota Timberwolves

(Minneapolis, PMNS)

A Justice Department spokesperson announced Attorney General Eric Holder has filed suit against the NBA’s Minnesota Timberwolves for having too many white players.

“While affirmative action has an invaluable place in American society for academia, fire-fighters, and police officers,” said Justice Department spokesperson Ishmaela Butts-Jones, “we all know professional sports is a sacrosanct form of open competition and not just a set-aside for blacks. That the Timberwolves have so many white players on their roster simply doesn’t pass the smell test and smacks of an unauthorized and chilling form of reverse affirmative action.”

Butts-Jones added, “And since there is no black head coach, general manager, or assistant general manager, we think we have a slam-dunk case. So to speak.”

Team sources not authorized to speak on the record protested the AG’s complaint. “We’re just trying to put quality basketball players on the roster,” said the official. “And they’re almost all from overseas, so they aren’t like regular American white people. I just don’t get the beef.” Other team authorities pointed to their effort to sign LeBron James in the off season only to discover James preferred the income tax-free climes of Florida. the Miami Heat’s superior on-court talent, and the world-class groupie pool surrounding him there.

In an unusual move, the league itself has also conjoined the complaint.“The NBA does not condone unapproved reverse affirmative action, which this clearly seems to be,” said Deputy Commissioner Alfonse Morning. “We expect the T-Wolves to settle and as a part of that package, to add front office sensitivity training, hiring a few handicapped people and some homosexuals, and certainly creating some coaching quotas for our preferred diversity candidates.”

Initial arguments are scheduled to heard in Federal Court in Minneapolis sometime in November.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Mumbai Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on October 28, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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