Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, and PEDs

woodsNow that Lance Armstrong has confessed to what we’ve all known for some time, I’m ready for the next round of PED revelations. Such revelations could come from outside cycling and from sports requiring (merely) endurance, pain-tolerance, and anaerobic power, and might even include sports where mental focus can be pharmaceutically enhanced.

Like golf… maybe.

Back when Tiger Woods went through his sex-addict imbroglio, it was revealed he was using Ambien (and was said to have crashed his vehicle in an Ambien-induced stupor). Then, there’s also this:

Rachel Uchitel, 34, told friends that she and Woods took the sleeping pill Ambien before having sex, according to a U.S. website.

‘You know you have crazier sex on Ambien – you get into that Ambien haze,’ she is quoted as saying. ‘We have crazy Ambien sex.’

Beyond Ambien, there’s this (rhetorically offered from a Woods-PED naysayer):

His [Woods’s] association with Canadian Dr. Anthony Galea, who was indicted last October on federal charges of smuggling human growth hormone and other illegal substances into the U.S. and lying to border patrol agents … his waxed and buffed physique … his cluster of injuries … his well-documented marital infidelity. You have to work at it, but you can connect the dots.

Beyond all these things, what if Woods could get a drug which increased his focus like Adderall and/or Ritalin? Is that considered an illegal PED? (And complicating things more, what if he had a prescription? After all, if Woods has access to Ambien—we’ll assume it’s via a legal prescription—is an Adderall and/or Ritalin prescription somehow out of the question?)

However, if Woods is guilty of PED use, it’s unlikely we’ll ever know. His circle of courtiers is smaller and tighter than even Lance Armstrong’s and there’s no team in golf as there is in cycling. That and the fact Woods’s best days as a sports celebrity and golfer—drug enhanced or not—are far behind him mean it’s unlikely any PED use will ever come to light.

But it is an interesting topic.


About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on January 18, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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