Bob Menendez Introduces New Immigration Legislation

(Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, PMNS)

U.S. Sen. Bob Menendez, D-N.J., used a fundraising stop at a Santo Domingo church to announce he would introduce legislation to allow Dominican Republic prostitutes under the age of 16 to freely immigrate to New Jersey.

The Senator said the issue was one of fairness and opportunity for “young, ethnically underrepresented sex workers from island nations” and that the legislation had nothing to do with his participation in an “agreement in principle” on immigration reform nor with the FBI’s recent investigation into his dabbling in underage Dominican prostitutes.

“The fact I’m here today to announce this important legislation has nothing to do with the charges I expect Attorney General Holder to get dropped,” Menendez said. “Even if the charges were true, which I can deny until I’m under oath and perhaps even later, maybe it wasn’t prostitution… maybe I was just making a sex tape and needed some actresses.”

Menendez continued: “Although its true my good friend Dr. Salomon Melgen has a small, 11 million dollar tax problem, I fully expect the new Secretary of the Treasury to handle such difficulties and I hope to be spending more time with the lovely young ladies of Santo Domingo soon. And no matter what, it isn’t like I’m providing F-16s to jihadists or guns to Mexican drug lords.”

Menendez, while wearing his hairpiece, is perhaps best known for his startling resemblance to Representative Henry Waxman.

The FBI would not comment on the allegation other than to say, “It’s true, he does look like Waxman.”

Regarding the Senator’s pending criminal charges, the FBI spokesman added, “Although this case would certainly come to trial if it were against a normal U.S. citizen, the ‘drop charges’ decision package is on the AG’s desk as we speak. If the AG slow rolls the package, which we don’t think he will, we expect some sort of Potemkin board of inquiry like we had with the Benghazi debacle.”

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Santo Domingo Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on January 30, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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