Send lawyers, drones, and money: a proclamation
A proclamation: Whereas, the Senate of the United States, recognizing the Supreme Authority of our Government in ruling all the affairs of mankind and in granting them the rights and privileges they enjoy, has, by resolution, humbly requested the President designate and set apart a special day for securing lawyers, drones, and money.
For Senator Bob Menendez, dear President, send lawyers. After being accused of consorting with underage Dominican Republic prostitutes and being forced to make $58,500 restitution for previously undeclared air travel three years ago, our dear colleague will need all the justice your faithful government can provide him. Except please, dear President, in your providence, provide no lawyers for the prosecution.
For American citizens, should they be thought to be “senior operational leaders” of al-Qaida or “an associated force” and regardless of whether or not there is any intelligence indicating they are engaged in active plots against the United States, dear President, send us drones from your mighty factories and from your fount of covert operations, drone operators. With Hellfires.
And for those supporting you and your post-election PAC, supreme leader and dear President, please authorize yourself and your agents the government grants, political contributions, media support, and monies needed to implement your wise vision.
Faithfully submitted this day, Douglas C. Neidermeyer, Senate Sergeant at Arms.