All the President’s speechwriters

The President needs new speechwriters.

Similarly, his speechwriters need new guidance.

As it is, between them, they just keep recycling (that’s green, it’s good!) the President’s failed clichés, misrepresentations, cherry-picked factoids, and dissembling (CMCD).

The SOTU effort is just the latest in a long line of CMCDs. How so? Here’s how so:

After a decade of grinding war, our brave men and women in uniform are coming home.

False. We’re instead entering a different decade of war which—think North Korea and Iran—may or may not be grinding.

Together, we have cleared away the rubble of crisis, and can say with renewed confidence that the state of our union is stronger.

Hardly. The crisis cans—the fiscal cliff, the debt ceiling, the deficit, unsustainable social promises, and other issues—may have been kicked but the problems remain. Under this President, we’ve gotten weaker. Think Jimmy Carter.

It is our generation’s task, then, to reignite the true engine of America’s economic growth – a rising, thriving middle class.

No, it is not your generation’s task. But the government has a task and simply stated, that job is to get out of the way of the American economy. You—the government—can’t regulate and redirect your way into growth no matter how hard you try. If that worked, the Soviet model would still be with us.

Over the last few years, both parties have worked together to reduce the deficit by more than $2.5 trillion – mostly through spending cuts, but also by raising tax rates on the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans.

No, the “deficit reduction” you mentioned was the long-existent planned savings from reducing our overseas military operations. And the funding from raising the taxes on the wealthiest 1 percent has already been erased with the Hurricane Sandy handouts.

In 2011, Congress passed a law saying that if both parties couldn’t agree on a plan to reach our deficit goal, about a trillion dollars’ worth of budget cuts would automatically go into effect this year.

Actually, Dear Reader, and former adjunct professor of Constitutional law, it wasn’t a law until the Executive, that is you, the President signed it. Up until that point it was just a Bill (perhaps you missed the lessons of School House Rock during your formative years in Indonesia). Beyond that, there’s Bob Woodward who says the idea of the sequester came from… the White House. Reaping what you sow is such a drag…

Already, the Affordable Care Act is helping to slow the growth of health care costs.

Dear Dear Reader and Dear Reader’s speechwriter, what alternative reality do you live in? You’re attempting to choose your own facts… again.

It’s not a bigger government we need, but a smarter government…

Groan. Consider the Smart Car as a point of comparison. And while we’re at it, consider some smarter speechwriters (as well as a smarter speech reader). And the part that comes after the dot dot dot above is even worse.

It’s not a bigger government we need, but a smarter government that sets priorities and invests in broad-based growth.

Dear Dear Reader: Government set priorities result in consumer products like government cheese or the Yugo (at best) and lifestyle choices such as Soviet slave labor camps and eugenics. Or have you forgotten that the government is composed of flawed human beings such as yourself? When one goes to work for government, no additional wisdom or intellect is added from one’s pre-government employment levels.

Our first priority is making America a magnet for new jobs and manufacturing.

And how do you think raising the minimum wage will help create more new jobs in America? Wouldn’t traditional economic theory suggest that when U.S. labor costs move up, all other things remaining equal, that labor will come to be performed in lower cost locales? Or will you, Dear Reader, suspend the law of supply and demand with an Executive Order?

We have doubled the distance our cars will go on a gallon of gas, and the amount of renewable energy we generate from sources like wind and solar – with tens of thousands of good, American jobs to show for it.

No, cars don’t go twice as far. As for the rest of the assertion, at a cost of $200,000 per job to the taxpayers, those jobs ought to be good. In fact, they ought to be great… almost as great as working for the government itself.

About this point in the SOTU speech, Dear Reader gracefully segues into his total-idiot mode.

But for the sake of our children and our future, we must do more to combat climate change.

It’s for the children, it always is. But if manmade global warming manmade climate change climate change is caused by nature, which it appears to be, then your idea to combat it becomes just another way to transfer money and power from the classes that create value to the federal, state, and local government classes. And in following that logic to it’s endpoint, it would seem these government classes are our children.

I’m also issuing a new goal for America: let’s cut in half the energy wasted by our homes and businesses over the next 20 years.

You’re issuing a new goal for America? Really? And for twenty years from now?! Why not go big and instead issue a goal of curing cancer? Running a three-minute mile? America winning the World Cup? A man on the moon by the end of the decade after this?

We will ensure equal treatment for all service members, and equal benefits for their families – gay and straight.

Who is the “we” Barry? Got a gerbil in your… pocket? You don’t want to provide equal treatment for homosexuals, you want to provide preferential treatment. And your goal is to have the military serve as an engine of liberally-mandated social change just as schools have been long used for the same.

Gabby Giffords deserves a vote. The families of Newtown deserve a vote. The families of Aurora deserve a vote.

They have votes. And if your point is they can use their votes to amend the Constitution to get rid of gun rights, then you are correct. If your assertion is they’re powerless, you’re wrong.

I grow weary from critique, which could be performed for a very, very long time. Instead, let’s close by observing that Dear Reader’s speech was merely a continuation of the inauguration speech, another piece of wretched refuse. Interesting, isn’t it, that Mr. Obama didn’t reveal any of the things in either of these speeches to the American people before the election.



About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on February 13, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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