Bloomberg requests additional federal drone support

(New York, PMNS)

Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York City, today requested additional drone support from the Department of Homeland Security. His rationale is that more surveillance, along with air strike capabilities, might be needed to enforce his ban on large, sugary drinks.

“The issue of obesity in the city has reached epidemic proportions and we need help with food policing resources we can’t ourselves afford,” Bloomberg said at a press conference Monday morning. “People need to understand this is for their own good and that portion size is not some sort of Constitutionally protected right.”

After Bloomberg finished, mayoral spokesman and Wall Street veteran Henry Brinks-Sachs addressed reporters and said that Bloomberg would need an additional seven drones with upgraded sensors (synthetic aperture radar, infrared, and full-motion video) and that at least four of the drones would require a full weapons load. “The mayor knows that people need help in meeting our goals for portion sizes,” Brinks-Sachs said, “and that massive retaliation is a proven obesity deterrent. Once we have enough drones for 24-hour ops, we can expand into neighboring areas, to help those who cant, or won’t help themselves against these beelzebubish Big Gulps.”

Critics of Bloomberg’s new policy quickly voiced their displeasure. Michael Spinks, a member of Citizens Against Drone Death said, “Bloomberg’s overreach and arrogance on this is typical. You’d think after he inadvertently destroyed Al Sharpton’s headquarters last week with that drone-delivered Hellfire missile, he would have learned his lesson.” Sharpton has remained silent on the issue pending a settlement and a possible run for mayor himself. He is said to be in mourning following the death of seven staff workers at his Harlem headquarters including confidant Tawana Brawley.

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano is expected to approve Bloomberg’s request sometime this week.

(Joy Acton-Carnish and Philip Xerxes of the PMNS Newark translation enclave helped cut and paste this article.)

About Professor Mockumental

I enjoy almost all forms of parody, buffoonery, and general high-jinks. Satire has shown itself to be an essential societal need; I therefore humbly offer my services in such a manner. I enjoy mocking the usual suspects at the New York Times (Charles Blows, Moron Dowd, and the earth is flat guy) and Washington Post (Dana Milkbag, E.D. Dijon, and David Ignoramus). There are many others as well, but sadly, there are always too many targets and too little time.

Posted on March 11, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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