Blog Archives

Bloomberg requests additional federal drone support

(New York, PMNS)

Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York City, today requested additional drone support from the Department of Homeland Security. His rationale is that more surveillance, along with air strike capabilities, might be needed to enforce his ban on large, sugary drinks.

“The issue of obesity in the city has reached epidemic proportions and we need help with food policing resources we can’t ourselves afford,” Bloomberg said at a press conference Monday morning. “People need to understand this is for their own good and that portion size is not some sort of Constitutionally protected right.”

After Bloomberg finished, mayoral spokesman and Wall Street veteran Henry Brinks-Sachs addressed reporters and said that Bloomberg would need an additional seven drones with upgraded sensors (synthetic aperture radar, infrared, and full-motion video) and that at least four of the drones would require a full weapons load. “The mayor knows that people need help in meeting our goals for portion sizes,” Brinks-Sachs said, “and that massive retaliation is a proven obesity deterrent. Once we have enough drones for 24-hour ops, we can expand into neighboring areas, to help those who cant, or won’t help themselves against these beelzebubish Big Gulps.”

Critics of Bloomberg’s new policy quickly voiced their displeasure. Michael Spinks, a member of Citizens Against Drone Death said, “Bloomberg’s overreach and arrogance on this is typical. You’d think after he inadvertently destroyed Al Sharpton’s headquarters last week with that drone-delivered Hellfire missile, he would have learned his lesson.” Sharpton has remained silent on the issue pending a settlement and a possible run for mayor himself. He is said to be in mourning following the death of seven staff workers at his Harlem headquarters including confidant Tawana Brawley.

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano is expected to approve Bloomberg’s request sometime this week.

(Joy Acton-Carnish and Philip Xerxes of the PMNS Newark translation enclave helped cut and paste this article.)

Most transparent Administration ever

(Washington, PMNS)

bag boyDear Reader has returned from another most-glorious state-sponsored vacation where for the sake of the people, he provided most-excellent stimulation to our still-fragile economy.

He did so by having the Air Force buy thousands of gallons of jet fuel, by offering housing, feeding, per diem, escort services, and rental cars to an army of Secret Service types and advance teams, and by playing golf with Tiger Woods.

Dear Reader earned this most glorious vacation, his first of five planned for the first half of this year, by working tirelessly to advance the agenda of the American people. The American people are wisely now demanding skyrocketing fuel prices, reduced freedoms, more gun restrictions, increased health care costs, decreased gross domestic product, cancellation of the pending sequester, and more federal spending per Dear Leader’s most-wonderful plans.

According to a White House press release, Dear Reader was said to beat Mr. Woods, a well-known golfing and sexting champion, by an average of more than one stroke per hole. Sadly, the President’s golf scorecard has been hermetically sealed and is unavailable for public viewing. Were the scorecard available, it would be praised by the very sun and moon for its wonderment and high-awesomeness!

Media members who depend on their access to Dear Reader for their wisdom are said to be unhappy with their lack of quality time at the feet of the glorious President. However, via a release of psychic energy (and as delivered by the President’s glorious messenger boy), Dear Reader read the following to them: “Let there be no mistake. Those who ask us to choose between two good things may mean well but we don’t need perpetual war unless it’s being performed by honorable homosexual men or by drones or by the women of SEAL Team Six. For all must do the will of the people, which is also my will.” Following these inspiring words, the media vowed to redouble their efforts to help America understand Dear Reader’s brilliance and his inherent goodness.

Dear Reader and his glorious staff are now preparing another glorious speech for the benefit of the American people who will gloriously receive it. In the speech, the President will offer his wisdom regarding the dangers of those who don’t pay their way and who try and free-ride on the efforts of others.

The next glorious state sponsored vacation with beneficial economic stimulation for the hard-working and most-favored Dear Reader will be in Las Vegas and will take place from the week before St. Patrick’s Day until the week following. This next glorious vacation event will reward Dear Reader’s faithful and untiring efforts for the people.

(Joy Acton-Carney and Philip Xerxes-Smith of the PMNS Pyongyang translation enclave helped cut and paste this article.)

President expands Washington DC no-fly zone

(Washington, PMNS)

The President today signed an Executive Order expanding the no-fly zone around the nation’s capital.

The White House press pool was on hand for the occasion but didn’t think it important enough to summarize. However, White House photographers were on hand to capture the ceremony.

Following the event, White House spokesman Jay Carney texted a prepared statement to favored media outlets which said: “Because the President has not received the cooperation he wanted from the Congress on the no-fly zone, an important issue affecting both health and national security, he chose to act using an expedient method which is not illegal.”

Moments later, in a second text, Carney clarified the no-fly zone would be in effect retroactively, starting January 12th, 2013.

(Photographer Hiram Ledbetter, from the syndicated PMNS Blue-Line media enclave, helped translate this article.)

Alternate captions from the Super Bowl

Actual caption: San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh pleads for a defensive holding call in the fourth quarter of Sunday night’s Super Bowl game in New Orleans. (Photo by JOHN G. MABANGLO/EPA)

Alternate caption: San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh shows Side Judge Joe Larrew what he’s going to do to him in the referee’s shower unless he throws a flag against the Baltimore Ravens for defensive holding.

harbaugh

Bob Menendez Introduces New Immigration Legislation

(Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, PMNS)

U.S. Sen. Bob Menendez, D-N.J., used a fundraising stop at a Santo Domingo church to announce he would introduce legislation to allow Dominican Republic prostitutes under the age of 16 to freely immigrate to New Jersey.

The Senator said the issue was one of fairness and opportunity for “young, ethnically underrepresented sex workers from island nations” and that the legislation had nothing to do with his participation in an “agreement in principle” on immigration reform nor with the FBI’s recent investigation into his dabbling in underage Dominican prostitutes.

“The fact I’m here today to announce this important legislation has nothing to do with the charges I expect Attorney General Holder to get dropped,” Menendez said. “Even if the charges were true, which I can deny until I’m under oath and perhaps even later, maybe it wasn’t prostitution… maybe I was just making a sex tape and needed some actresses.”

Menendez continued: “Although its true my good friend Dr. Salomon Melgen has a small, 11 million dollar tax problem, I fully expect the new Secretary of the Treasury to handle such difficulties and I hope to be spending more time with the lovely young ladies of Santo Domingo soon. And no matter what, it isn’t like I’m providing F-16s to jihadists or guns to Mexican drug lords.”

Menendez, while wearing his hairpiece, is perhaps best known for his startling resemblance to Representative Henry Waxman.

The FBI would not comment on the allegation other than to say, “It’s true, he does look like Waxman.”

Regarding the Senator’s pending criminal charges, the FBI spokesman added, “Although this case would certainly come to trial if it were against a normal U.S. citizen, the ‘drop charges’ decision package is on the AG’s desk as we speak. If the AG slow rolls the package, which we don’t think he will, we expect some sort of Potemkin board of inquiry like we had with the Benghazi debacle.”

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Santo Domingo Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

“Lego My Gun” Charges Dropped

(Boston, PMNS)

The 5-year-old boy who faced suspension after building a gun out of Legos has had all charges dropped.

Jose Barbosa was a part of the after school program at the Kennedy Elementary School on New Cape Cod. His parents received a letter a few days ago that said Jose, who cannot read, write, or speak English, had received his first written warning for “using toys inappropriately,” and that upon a second warning, he will be punished.

Jose’s parents, Emir and Oman Barbosa, say the school took things too far.

“Because we’re a same-sex couple and are here illegally,” said Mr. Barbosa through an interpreter, “we decided that our rights, through Jose, were being violated.”

“The whole issue is tragic,” said the other Mr. Barbosa, also through an interpreter. “It isn’t like Jose’s giving guns to drug lords or sending F-16s to jihadists.”

The threat of legal action was enough for the Kennedy school to drop its warning. Instead, in a settlement, the school moved Jose into its Accelerated Preferential Program (APP), which is designed to get the children of same-sex, illegal couples into top-tier colleges nationwide at no cost to themselves.

“APP is a nearly new presidential initiative to help underrepresented student groups eventually gain acceptance into Ivy-type schools through the use of federally mandated quotas,” said Kennedy principal Lester Funk. “As it is, we’re pleased to accept Jose into the APP program and the threat from the federal government to pull all our funding unless we caved had nothing to do with our decision.”

Mr. Funk added, “Although we don’t condone the use of Legos, paperclips, rubber bands, sticks, or the likes to build pretend and potentially dangerous weapons, we’re pleased that this whole experience turned out to be a positive one for both Jose and his two fathers.”

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Detroit Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

President Obama declares White House to be a “bug free zone”

(Washington, PMNS)

superflyPresident Obama today declared the White House to be a “bug free zone” in accordance with the World Health Organization’s global “Kill a Bug for Good Health” day.

The President offered the following additional comments related to the initiative:

Together, I determined that a modern economy requires wind-powered railroads and highways for travel and commerce, schools and colleges to train government workers, and no bugs.

Together, I discovered that a free market only thrives when there are rules to ensure state-sanctioned outcomes and freedom from bugs and other unwanted creatures, including Republicans.

Together, I resolved that a great nation must care for the vulnerable, and protect its people from life’s challenges and unwanted bugs.

Through it all, I have never relinquished our skepticism of capitalism and free markets, nor have I succumbed to the idea that all society’s ills can be cured through government alone even though they can. My celebration of initiative and enterprise, my insistence on hard work and personal responsibility, unless exempted by Presidential waiver, these are the constants I direct to be present in our character. That and no bugs.

But I have always understood that when times change, so must everyone; that fidelity to our founding principles paradoxically requires no fidelity; that preserving our individual freedoms ultimately requires collective action and that this collective action will give us freedom from bugs.

Thank you.

The President seemed undisturbed by the presence of the fly on his face as he spoke.

Following the ceremony, the President departed the Rose Garden for indoctrination on the Senate’s new gun control proposals. He was accompanied to his indoctrination by former Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel who was in town for Mr. Obama’s second term inauguration.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Fort Wayne Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

Obama’s Draft Gun Control Executive Orders

(Washington, PMNS)

A draft of the 19 gun control items President Obama intends to pursue via Executive Order were provided by a senior advisor who was not authorized to discuss their release. They are as follows:

  1. Assault weapon ban
  2. Handgun ban
  3. Long gun ban
  4. Shotgun ban
  5. Ammunition ban
  6. Magazine ban
  7. New lifelong waiting periods
  8. Making guns illegal in schools
  9. Making guns illegal in cars
  10. Making guns illegal in the outdoors
  11. Making guns illegal on private property
  12. Making guns illegal on government property
  13. Making gun possession a hate crime
  14. Making ammunition possession a hate crime
  15. Making magazine possession a hate crime
  16. Making concealed carry a federal crime
  17. Making open carry a federal crime
  18. Paintball gun ban
  19. Requiring all Americans wear body armor

A twentieth order, banning all pictures of guns, ammunition, and magazines, was considered but rejected due to First Amendment concerns.

Several prominent Democrat lawmakers say the proposals don’t go far enough, but that they are willing to support the President’s decisions while more restrictive legislation can be drafted.

Waivers to the Executive Orders—limited to Democrats only—will be subject to President Obama’s personal approval.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Chicago Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

Louis Farrakhan and Quentin Tarantino

(New York, PMNS)

At the New York Quentin Tarantino film festival, Louis Farrakhan commented that the movie Django Unchained was “preparation for a race war.”

In a related thought, Farrakhan was observed saying that another Tarantino movie playing at the Festival, 2009’s Inglourious Basterds, was “preparation for a 1940s religious war.”

Tarantino, currently in post-production at a London sound stage for Pulp Fiction, Part Deux, had no comment other than to say, “Even though my father told me to never trust a man wearing a bow tie, I’m glad Louie seemed to enjoy the Festival. I’ve been told he’s one of my biggest fans. And I should clarify: my father also said bow ties with tuxedos are ok.”

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Fort Wayne Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

Southern Poverty Law Center places itself on its own ‘hate groups’ list

(Montgomery AL, PMNS)

In an unusual move, the Southern Poverty Law Center has placed itself on its own controversial ‘hate groups’ list. The listing was seen by SPLC President Harvey Cattledike as one needed to bolster his organization’s fading credibility and by others as required to move back into the public eye. In conjunction with the listing, the group is also releasing a new t-shirt (seen at right) and media campaign.

“We, the board and I, went back and looked at our meeting minutes and public statements and made the determination that we clearly met the essential characteristics of what we call a hate group,” Cattledike said. “These include closed-mindedness, idiotic thinking, thought crimes, being out of touch, hate, and parental abandonment issues.” Cattledike did not say what prompted the review but SPLC watchers suggested it might be related to federal funding.

One board member not cleared to speak publicly said, “Look. We’re something of a misnomer since we aren’t really interested in mitigating poverty, we receive most all our funding from sources outside the south, and we have no lawyers who’ve passed the bar and only one paralegal on the whole staff. While we’ve had good success in judge shopping on certain cases, we’ve been pretty much rudderless—and clueless—in the post-Civil Rights era, going on fifty years now. We need something to get ourselves back in the headlines and furthermore, it isn’t like we’re unqualified to be called a hate group… we are, and very much so.”

In a public statement e-mailed to the media, SPLC spokesperson Jill Botswana-Anthony said, “The SPLC has made the list of SPLC hate groups. We hope we will be watched by Homeland Security, law enforcement, and the intelligence community, creating good jobs for the region and more work for grant-writers everywhere. At minimum, we hope to create tension and if fully successful, we may even give birth to hate, possibly even shootings, which will stimulate the medical and professional grievance industries. The SLPC will continue to push for fair affirmative action and racial preferences, for justice as we see it, for hate, and for our continued existence.”

The controversial SPLC, viewed in unfavorable terms within the south, by people of poverty, and by the legal community itself, will soon see if their strategy is working with the upcoming round of Congressional discussions regarding public funding for “obscure and unhelpful groups.” Normally the SPLC’s federal funding would be at risk due to the so-called fiscal cliff, but by Executive Order, President Obama placed the funding for all obscure and unhelpful groups (including the SPLC, ACORN, any organization with the word “green” or “public” or the letters “U” or “E” in it, and community organizers) outside the normal budget sequestration process. Hearings are scheduled to begin after the Thanksgiving recess.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Mumbai Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

Chris Matthews: the rest of the story

(Washington DC, PMNS)

When Chris Matthews made news four years ago by saying that then-Candidate Barack Obama “sent a thrill up my leg,” it turns out his description was a bit in error.

Matthews’s long-time personal attendant and aide, Marianne Foosholler, now promoting her new book, Chris ‘n Me, has offered some clarification.

“While Chris was certainly enamored with Mr. Obama,” Ms.Foosholler said, “the ‘thrill up my leg’ thing was not just an over-the-top metaphor, but it was literally inaccurate.”

“That night, in the MSNBC booth, Chris accidently voided his bladder. Normally his adult Depends would be there to sop up the mess, but we’d been running late and there was no time to get him pampered-up before he went on air. So while Chris did feel something and his leg was affected, it really wasn’t the ‘thrill up my leg’ thing. It was more like a trickle down his leg. He never likes to have any dead air, so Chris was compelled to say something about his physical condition… and he did.”

She added, “While most of America knows Chris for his blather, he should really be known for his bladder.” Later, Ms. Foosholler said that an adult diaper tie-in with Matthews’s strongest MSNBC demographic, nursing home residents who are unable to change the channel, was being examined.

Ms. Foosholler offered the comments on this morning’s Good Day, America. Her book is now available at Amazon for Kindle readers and will be in bookstores Tuesday, November 6th.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Mumbai Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

Justice Department Files Discrimination Suit Against NBA’s Minnesota Timberwolves

(Minneapolis, PMNS)

A Justice Department spokesperson announced Attorney General Eric Holder has filed suit against the NBA’s Minnesota Timberwolves for having too many white players.

“While affirmative action has an invaluable place in American society for academia, fire-fighters, and police officers,” said Justice Department spokesperson Ishmaela Butts-Jones, “we all know professional sports is a sacrosanct form of open competition and not just a set-aside for blacks. That the Timberwolves have so many white players on their roster simply doesn’t pass the smell test and smacks of an unauthorized and chilling form of reverse affirmative action.”

Butts-Jones added, “And since there is no black head coach, general manager, or assistant general manager, we think we have a slam-dunk case. So to speak.”

Team sources not authorized to speak on the record protested the AG’s complaint. “We’re just trying to put quality basketball players on the roster,” said the official. “And they’re almost all from overseas, so they aren’t like regular American white people. I just don’t get the beef.” Other team authorities pointed to their effort to sign LeBron James in the off season only to discover James preferred the income tax-free climes of Florida. the Miami Heat’s superior on-court talent, and the world-class groupie pool surrounding him there.

In an unusual move, the league itself has also conjoined the complaint.“The NBA does not condone unapproved reverse affirmative action, which this clearly seems to be,” said Deputy Commissioner Alfonse Morning. “We expect the T-Wolves to settle and as a part of that package, to add front office sensitivity training, hiring a few handicapped people and some homosexuals, and certainly creating some coaching quotas for our preferred diversity candidates.”

Initial arguments are scheduled to heard in Federal Court in Minneapolis sometime in November.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Mumbai Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

Legos Give You Wings

Everything’s better with Legos.

Red Bull control center, we have a parody.

Egypt’s new educational plan: knowledge is good

(Cairo, PMNS)

Egypt’s leader and Islamist president, Mohamed Morsi, has laid out his country’s newest educational initiative, a consequence of the Arab Spring that began in 2011. The initiative was first announced in a press release and was later detailed at Mr. Morsi’s weekly presidential press conference in Cairo.

“The first and most important educational thing,” said Mr. Morsi, former leader of the Muslim Brotherhood, “is that we will no longer allow homeschooling in our country. While those in the west will not understand, we believe this will be useful in coming up with a standardized national Islamic approach to education which allows our government educational experts to decide which parts of the Koran will be most closely studied and will thus receive the greatest K-12 emphasis.” The government educational experts, who double as the nation’s Supreme Theocratic Council (the STC), are said to already be drafting legislation for the issue of Koran prioritization.

“Next,” Mr. Morsi continued, “we will eliminate homework.” Although it was not addressed, Egyptian educational insiders added that with this change, the school day will be lengthened to 14 hours, so as “to avoid the corrupting influence of parents on the minds of their children.”

“Finally,” he offered, “we will have a comprehensive exit exam which will be used to determine the adequacy of our educational processes.” In addition to a week-long recitation of the Koran, students will also be expected to provide an exhaustive written and oral defense of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. The Egyptian standards will include an affective learning element and individuals who do not display an adequate degree of enthusiasm towards the subject matter will be returned for re-education based what the insiders described a “the well-proven Cambodian model of the 1970s.”

One STC member added, “The west needs to know that they must embrace diversity in the form of this new Egyptian educational system. They must also learn to hold their serpentine tongues about criticizing any elements of our teachings, our great nation, or our religion of peace. If they don’t, they will face death and destruction the likes of which they’ve never seen.”

Some western education experts had earlier privately complained that the new Egyptian system is sex-biased and does not require reading, writing, or mathematical skills for the nation’s female students who are said to be only required to be proficient as seamstresses, so as to adequately cover their bodies and faces with well-sewn black cloth.

“You can’t judge the Egyptian people by German or Chinese or American standards,” Morsi said. “When the Egyptians decide something, it may not work for any other nation. Likewise, just because Americans decide something, this will, of course, not be appropriate for Egypt.”

When the press conference shifted to the U.S. elections, Mr. Morsi praised President Obama for moving “decisively and quickly” to support the Arab Spring revolutions. He added he believed that Americans supported “the right of the people of the [Middle East] region to enjoy the same freedoms that Americans have, except for freedom of speech, religion, gun ownership, the press, and assembly.”

In part, Mr. Morsi was educated in the United States, earning a PhD. in composite structures from the University of Southern California in the early 1980s where his dissertation was entitled How Islam Invented Time, Space, and the Carbon Monocoque Structure. He enjoys a 94 percent approval rating from the STC and an identical approval rating from the Egyptian citizenry.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Mumbai Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

Nike Announces Their Post-USADA Armstrong Changes

(Beaverton, Oregon, PMNS)

live wrongFollowing the United States Anti-Doping Association’s devastating proof of Lance Armstrong’s performance enhancing drug use across his cycling career, Nike, a firm notoriously loyal to their herds of hired athletes, has announced it will stand-down its support for Mr. Armstrong’s Live Strong foundation.

However, Nike founder Phil Knight has said the shoe giant will instead front a new Armstrong foundation tentatively called Live Wrong. “The days of Live Strong have come and gone. It’s time for a more realistic and traditional approach, something we feel there’s there’s already a market for and a built in audience.” Live Wrong will be incorporated in the Grand Cayman Islands which has less restrictive medical and banking laws than the United States, but Knight said the foundation would still “be global in nature.”

Live Wrong will advocate a non-traditional and somewhat controversial view of winning at all costs. The foundation will provide medical referrals, match drug using athletes to drug endorsing coaches, sell performance enhancing drugs, experiment with gene therapy, help launder money, and provide lawyers. The Live Wrong slogan is said to be “If you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’ hard enough.” Two other slogans, “Dope or go home,” and “Get rich or die tryin’,” were rejected due to copyright concerns.

Live Wrong’s announced board of directors will include Victor Conte, Mark McGwire, Tiger Woods, Barry Bonds, Ben Johnson, Mr. Armstrong himself, and the late Florence Griffith-Joyner. Several honorary board positions will be manned by the East German women’s track team.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Mumbai Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

New Dem Debate Plan Will Assure A Win

(Washington DC, PMNS)

After the debacle in Denver where most observers felt Mitt Romney decisively defeated President Obama and the subsequent vice presidential debates where Joe Biden perhaps eked out a tie on substance and lost handily on style, many discouraged Democrat insiders were at a loss as to how to regain the campaign momentum they so desire heading into the general election.

Senior strategist David Axelrod seems to think he’s found the way, an unconventional approach that adds an additional debate between Mr. Obama and Mr. Biden while dropping the last two scheduled presidential debates between Mr. Romney and Mr. Obama.

A senior campaign advisor not authorized to speak on the record said, “The President clearly got caught with his pants down. Joe turned himself into a weapon of mass interruption and looked like a freak. So instead of any more of that, we’re going to cancel the last two presidential debates and instead have the President and Mr. Biden debate each another. We thing this is certain to create a Democrat debate win of some sort, drive a lot of media buzz, and get back on track.”

The advisor added, “On top of a sure Obama-Biden debate win of some sort, cancelling the last two presidential debates also removes the possibility of another beat-down by Mitt Romney, something we need to avoid at all costs.” The Romney camp is said to be livid at the change in plans.

Some feel Mr. Biden may defer to the President at their debate. Earpieces and teleprompters will be allowed for the President, who may also benefit from the use of an “applause track, a laughter track, and a groan track” he can use at any time. Finally, the event will be moderated by Mr. Axelrod himself. Although the deck seems stacked against Mr. Biden, most think he has a reasonable chance against Mr. Obama unless he decides to tank.

Debate locations are being scouted—Washington DC’s Kennedy Center seems to be a favored site—and the timing of the debate will almost certainly be sometime in the last week of October.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Mumbai Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

Update: what Biden was really trying to accomplish

daily show guy

(New York, PMNS)

It can now be revealed that Joe Biden had a hidden agenda in last night’s vice presidential debate from Danville, Kentucky.

Democrat and Comedy Central insiders have now said that Mr. Biden, AKA GaffeMaster Flash to Administration and White House insiders,  was not only trying to debate Paul Ryan, he was also concurrently trying out to be a Daily Show crew member.

Despite Mr. Biden’s debate performance, producers for the Daily Show are not yet sold on Mr. Biden’s Ed McMahon to Jon Stewart’s Johnny Carson. However, they are still considering him as a possible audience member.

The lack of further VP debates is said to hurt Mr. Biden’s chances for either position, unless his ticket should lose.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Mumbai Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)

Barack Obama Caption Contest

The winner of this morning’s Barack Obama caption contest is Connie Snickenbaum of East Ann Arbor, Michigan. Ms. Snickenbaum is a biodiesel recycler.

“First Biden beats me to the gay marriage endorsement and now he debates better than me. David, where are you?!?

Runner ups:

“Barry, are you out there? It’s me, Barry.” Malcolm W. Coppermine, St. George, Utah

“Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.” Wayne Saddlesore, Bumkus, New Mexico.

“My socks don’t match and my belt clashes with my shoes. David, where are you?!?” Frodo Snickenbaum, East Ann Arbor, Michigan.

barry facepalm

Joe Biden Caption Contest Winner

The winner of last week’s Joe Biden caption contest was submitted by Earle F. Flathorne III of the Bronx. Mr. Flathorne is a theater teacher at DeWitt Clinton High School:

“I’m as dumb as Hell and I’m not gonna take this anymore!!!”

Runner ups:

“I said Benghazi was the intel community’s fault, fool!” Mark Springsteen, Colorado Springs, CO.

“I gotta tell ya folks, these hair plugs make my forehead itch like the devil…” Phyllis Widowmaker, East Rutherford, NJ.

“Yeah, I think I’m just gonna grow it out and pull it back in a ponytail.” Harvey Finewine, Beverly Hills, CA.

angry joe

New Obama Campaign Debate Strategy

(Danville, KY, PMNS)

old joeDemocrat operatives are hoping a new strategy will propel Mr. Obama’s re-election effort past the week-old “debacle in Denver” with the vice presidential debates to be held here tonight on the campus of Centre College.

“The general idea is we’ll accept Joe Biden being slaughtered in order to put the President’s debate performance behind us. All we want to do is to turn the page,” said a close advisor to Mr. Obama. However, other advisors are not so willing to let Mr. Biden roam freely for fear he might generate a “fatal Bidenism.” So far all the VP’s fatal Bidenisms have been caught by the media and erased before they’ve had a chance to become a focus of discussion.

As such, technology has become an important safety net for the Democrats, and tonight Mr. Biden will be wearing a remote shock collar should he stray too far from the party line. As such, aides will shock Mr. Biden as required in order to help him stay on-message as much as possible.

“Joe’s familiar with this thing, in fact, he first wore it during the debate with Sarah Palin in the 2008 election,” the insider said. “It’s probably the only thing that allowed him a semblance of a draw. I suppose in hindsight, we should have left it on since then.”

Mr. Biden’s counterpart, Rep. Paul Ryan won’t face the same sort of restrictions, having proven himself to the Romney campaign by already besting Mr. Obama on Obamacare and the Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, on the Administration’s non-plan to reduce the debt and entitlement crises.

Expect sparks to fly, literally, tonight from Centre College.

(Philup Nubia and Zerxes Jones-Smith from PMNS’s Mumbai Information, Research, and Translation Service enclave contributed to this article.)